necro_omen13

Title: Identity

Fandom: Supernatural

Genre: Angst/General

Warnings: None, lots of Dean sympathy though.

Characters: Dean centric

Summary: When you define yourself by someone, who are you if they leave?

Disclaimer: Nup, Cas and Dean still aren’t officially together so I still don’t own ‘em.

A/N: This was written during the current bludge known as economics. The summary is what prompted the fic, that and a conversation with bhoney.

Like always, after the cut.

Mary’s Little Boy

From the day he was brought into the world Dean became Mary’s little boy. She doted on him to the extent of her mothering abilities.

Dean had someone to bake cookies with.

Dean had someone to kiss him when he cried.

Dean had someone to read him stories before bed.

Dean had someone to tell him angels were watching over him.

John was the love of Mary’s life, but Dean was her little boy. Even after Sam’s birth, there was always time reserved for just her and Dean.

For four years Dean was Mary’s little boy. He was cared for and loved unconditionally.

For four years Dean was Mary’s little boy, but after four years and a fire Dean had no one to be a little boy for, so he didn’t know who to be.

Sam’s big brother

From the day little Sammy was born Dean became his big brother. After the fire he took up the mantle full time.

Dean had someone to take care of.

Dean had someone to feed.

Dean had someone to comfort after nightmares.

Dean had someone to protect.

Sammy became Dean’s world. He became the only one Dean would mile for, the rest of the world receiving smirks.

When Sammy became Sam, Dean’s duties changed but he was still Sam’s big brother. He still had someone to protect.

For almost eighteen years Dean was Sam’s big brother. He loved, cared for and protected him unconditionally.

For almost eighteen years Dean was Sam’s big brother, but after almost eighteen years and a letter Dean had no one to be a big brother to, so he didn’t know who to be.

John’s loyal soldier

From the day Mary burned Dean was set on the track to become John’s soldier.

Dean had someone to obey.

Dean had someone to follow.

Dean had people to save.

Dean had things to hunt.

John’s training became Dean’s only perceived way to gain his father’s love, so he threw all the energy he had left over from raising Sam into it. He quickly grew as a hunter and as his skills increased, so did the number of hunts that resulted in a creature killed by Dean.

Then Sam left for college. Dean had nothing to channel his brotherly instincts and excess energy into so he threw everything he was into being John’s loyal soldier.

More hours were spent training.

More time was spent researching.

More creatures were killed by Dean than John.

More hunts resulted in Dean needing stitches.

For twenty-two years Dean was John’s loyal soldier. For four of those years he was nothing else.

For twenty-two years Dean was John’s loyal soldier, but after twenty-two years and a voicemail Dean had no one to be a soldier for, and he didn’t know who he was.

Aww, poor Dean. I seem to have a habit of writing Dean-centric angst. Weird considering how much I love that boy. Eh.

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